


Out Loud

by Yakus_heart



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Car Accidents, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Past Character Death, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 02:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yakus_heart/pseuds/Yakus_heart
Summary: Say what you mean out loud. Drowning in silence when I'm lost in the crowd, Cause every sweet thing you'd never speak. It's deafening, never knowing what could be. Wish I could show you how, but you're just a ghost now....Atsumu's ears ring every time he remembers. He never wants to remember, but he has to come to terms with it eventually.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Miya Atsumu, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	Out Loud

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Songfic
> 
> Places to bother me:  
> The comments(love that! Knowing people take time to write a comment on my stuff feels good!)  
> Twitter: @point_blank_exe(for questions, suggestions, chatting and whatever!)
> 
> As always, sorry in advance!  
> ~Author-san

Sunlight breaks through the surface of his eyelashes, causing his eyes to flutter open, disturbed from sleep, his eyes instantly narrowing in an attempt to block out the sun. He raises his hand to shield his eyes, but that brings his attention to the tension on his waist. He feels letters- words being traced onto his back.  
 _Morning_  
When he reaches behind him, he feels nothing at first but after moving his hand he hears the faint mumble of a familiar voice.  
"Morning, Hinata,"  
"Morning, Atsu…" the small male buries his face into his back.  
"I have to get up."  
"Why?"  
"Because it's a mess," Miya answers, sitting up with a yawn. He glances down to see the redhead now lying on his back, light brown eyes gazing up at him with pure joy for so early in the morning. Then he notices something. "Hey," he says, reaching down and gently taking his wrist "Where did these bruises on your arm come from?"  
"Huh? I dunno. Maybe I hit it on something in my sleep? I don't know. You're getting up? Carry me," Hinata sat up, wrapping his arms around Atsumu's neck as he stood up.  
"You're so light," he remarks as he wakes into the hallway. He feels Shouyo looking around, almost as if amazed in a place he's never seen before.  
"Of course I am, I don't weigh that much!" He buffs. After a very slight pause, he asks "What happened here?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"All the pictures on the hall table are face-down. And there's glass on the floor. Did you break a frame?"  
"A few," the blonde answered.  
"Why did you do that? I really liked those ones from when you proposed to me, now they're broken that's so mean!"  
Atsumu's ears started to ring. It felt like everything was dead silent otherwise as he covered his ears with his hands. "Just stop, okay? I know!"  
 _"Huh? What? You're really fucking serious? Oh god, I'm gonna cry, Atsumu holy shit- yeah. Yeah, I'll fucking marry you, hoky shit!"_  
 _"Aw, are you actually crying?"_  
 _"Yes, I'm crying!"_  
 _"Aw, don't cry."_  
"Come here, please don't cry, it'll just give you a headache, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" now he was crouched on the floor, using his hands to wipe Hinata's tears away as he now sat on the floor near one of the several piles of shattered glass from picture frames.  
He picks him up, carrying him into the kitchen and putting him down on the edge of the dining table beside his open laptop.  
Of course the moment he walked by it he received a notification. As much as he doesn't want to, he taps the mousepad to check, clicking on his email fast enough that he doesn't get a glance at his desktop.  
"Atsu,"  
"Yeah?"  
"There's so many dirty dishes!" Hinata complains.  
"I'll do them tonight," the blonde states, knowing he probably wouldn't, but leans over and gives his fiance a quick peck on the lips. No faster than he can hover over an email titled "Atsumu Miya: Discussing your di..." and the one below is titled "How are you feeling?" He once again heard-  
"You should do them now, they're gross."  
"I'll do it later, there's practice today."  
"You have practice today?"  
Miya pauses. It feels like his ears are starting to ring again. He winces, answering "Yeah, we do." And said ringing subsides.  
"Ooh okay!" Shouyo kicks his legs mindlessly. "How was Bokuto and Akaashi's wedding? I bet it was a lot of fun, I wish I got to go!" The redhead complained once again as Atsumu retreated to do the dishes as he finally gave in to the previous complaints. "Huh? Bokuto's…."  
 _"Kou-chan, what flavor is the cake again?"_  
 _"It was a kinda sudden change, but it's half vanilla and half chocolate because chocolate is kinda weird as a wedding cake but H̷̡̛̟͈̠̫̱̖̩̠̗̓̅̿i̶͙͓̥̺̟͓̳̪̫̍̓̑̌̍̐̏̓ṋ̷̘͈̼͒͒͋̈a̴̯̤̼̍̅̀͘t̶̯̯͕͕͉̠̤̘͉͈̃̉ả̷̧̛̩̩̱̜͔͔͎͗̔ wanted it!"_  
Before he even remembers that he's holding it, a plate slips from his hand, shattering in the sink below.  
"Atsumu, you keep breaking things!" Hinata exclaims.  
"The wedding...was fun. The cake was pretty good, but the chocolate was too much for me. I'll make sure you don't miss your friend Tanaka's, though." Atsumu hums thoughtfully.  
"Really? I thought you liked chocolate?"  
"I do…" Atsumu murmurs. He takes a breath, closing his eyes to make the ringing in his ears subside for a bit. He then turns back to Hinata, giving up on the dishes. He'd do them later. He sat at the table instead, actually trying to read his emails.  
"Atsu, what's this?" He gently pokes Atsumu's shoulder, making him flinch. "Ow!"  
"D-Did that hurt? I'm sorry!" Hinata apologizes. Atsumu sighs, moving his sleeve down his shoulder to inspect the bruising that seemingly crossed his chest.  
"Don't mind that," he muttered, hearing his breath tremble just from looking at it. "It's fine."  
Just as he says this, his phone goes off. He reluctantly picks it up, using his thumbprint to avoid looking at his lockscreen. It instantly opens to his messages. Osamu had texted him at least 23 times. Suna 4. Kita 15. Not including some angry, seeming 10 from a name he didn't quite recognize. Hinata is hovering over his shoulder.  
"Hinata, go brush your teeth, your breath smells like alcohol," Atsumu muttered, feeling like his ears were aching.  
 _"Atsu, it feels great up here, haha! Everything looks so cool from up here!"_  
 _"Wh- Jesus Christ, sit down! Sit the fuck down!"_  
"Hinata, move back…" he gently pushes Shouyo away with his elbow, the smell making him feel sick and dizzy. He gets another text.  
 _[Samu]_  
 _I'm not waiting for your sorry ass to answer. I'm coming over with her so don't go to practice. Your teammates will understand._  
What was he talking about? Who was he talking about? In any case, he didn't feel like dealing with him. Osamu was going to come over anyway whether he liked it or not. He laid his head down on his arms like a pillow. "Hina, babe, can you read that email? The one that says How are You Doing??" He asks.  
He doesn't see him nod but hears him start to read "Hi, Miya, it's been a hot minute since we talked. I hate doing this but I don't have your number anymore. Kita is one of the most mentally strong people I've ever met. Remember how you guys used to call him a robot? Well, you've just got him crying all the time for the past two weeks. Respond to his texts one of these days, hope to hear from you, Aran…"  
Atsumu sighs "Thanks, Shou. I do not feel like responding to some goddamn texts…" he grounds, tangling one of his hands into his mess of blonde hair of which his dark roots had begun to show.  
"You have a lot of bruises, there's one on your head, too," Hinata pokes him as if to prove that the bruise was there for some reason. He knew it was there. He wished he didn't.  
"So do you. We're both all beat up, huh?"  
Hinata laughs softly "Mhm!"  
Both boys jump as a loud knock on the door sounds. Atsumu sighs "Already? It's probably 'Samu…" he stands up slowly and reluctantly, getting a bad feeling as he reaches for the door, opening it slowly. He wants to close it.  
Osamu is standing there as expected, with his hand already pressed against the door so he couldn't close it on him anyway. But beside him is a girl in a middle-school uniform. Her hair is bright orange and pulled into two messy pigtails of unruly curls. Her eyes are round and kind of red like she'd been crying a little while ago but not very much. She has a box in her hands and is looking up at him expectantly with big puppy-dog eyes.  
"Why?" Is the word that falls from his mouth first.  
"I have to get her home in about two hours so can we do this quickly? I know you haven't packed anything up, this place looks like a fucking dump!" Before he could even voice his protest, Osamu kicks the bottom of the door, forcing it open enough for them to walk in. Osamu looks both annoyed and confident as he enters the girl following more shyly behind.  
"What's this for?" Hinata asks, looking up at him. Atsumu shrugs a bit. He notices the girl looking at him. He looks back. She smiles a little.  
"I'm sorry my Mom sent a lot of mean things. I told her not to, but she was really angry. I-I'm not though! I just wish nothing happened," she giggles awkwardly.  
"Natsu," Osamu calls softly. He's never seen Osamu be this gentle with a person in his life. Hinata makes another face as they move into the living room, leaving Atsumu and his fiance behind in the kitchen.  
"You know, Natsu always liked you, did I tell you that? When she first met you when we started dating, she was acting all shy, but after that, she was so excited to talk to you!" Hinata explains, laughing softly. Atsumu smiles. His head hurts.  
 _"Natsuuuu, tell mom we're going out for a bit!"_  
 _"You're gonna drive? Where are you going? I wanna go!"_  
 _"Nah, sorry Orange jr. We're gonna be drinking some grownup drinks!"_

" 'Tsumu!" Osamu shouts, causing Atsumu to snap back to his sentence, hurrying into the living room. Natsu had turned over the small trash can and was crying as ripped-up photo pieces fell through her fingers as she tried to collect them.  
"Are these all pictures of you two?" His brother asks. He shrugs. "Probably," he says. Osamu scoffs.  
"How can even the most depressed piece of shit live in a shithole like this?" His brother casually continues to talk shit about him to him. He clearly isn't pleased with the state of the apartment, that's for sure.  
"Come on and help us look through this pile of shit so we can get what she wants to keep and we can get out because it still fucking smells like alcohol in here!" Osamu snapped. Atsumu jumped, shaking his head. He didn't want to. He really didn't want to. Unfortunately for him, Osamu grabs his wrist and pulls him down to the floor.  
Atsumu can already feel his heart starting to race. He can already feel the urge to scream or throw up. He felt sick. Like the smell of blood and alcohol were still suffocating him.  
"So, what did they say?" Osama asked, beginning to help Natsu go through photos.  
"Depression, what were you expecting?" Atsumu answered flatly. Osamu sighs "Did you take the medicine they gave you?"  
"No."  
"Why?"  
"Yeah, why?" Hinata asks, leaning against his shoulder from behind.  
"Because I did something stupid with them. I was still in shock from the day before that I- I don't want to talk about this.." Atsumu concludes, sighing. After a pause, Natsu seemed to notice something.  
"Oh no, all the flowers are dead!" She cried "They were so pretty too...I really liked the ones from Sakusa-san…" she sighs in disappointment. Atsumu doesn't even want to look. Every time he sees the dead flowers in their glass vases with dirty water he wants to cry again.  
"Hey, 'Tsumu," Osamu calls his attention back, holding a picture out to him.  
Shouyo gasps "I didn't know someone took pictures when you proposed!" He exclaimed.  
Atsumu chuckles softly "Yeah I made sure someone did…"  
"Huh?" Osamu questions.  
Atsumu lifts his head "I made sure someone took pictures right after Shou said yes. I wanted us to remember it forever…" He sighs.  
Osamu frowns "Hey, Natsu, can you go into the other room for a bit? There should be some stuff in the table in the hallway," he requested calmly.  
The young girl nodded, getting to her feet and hurrying off into the hall to find what they had come for.  
Osamu shuffles a bit closer. "It's going to happen sooner or later. They can't even think about settling it if you don't remember and explain," he said. "I want this to disappear as much as you do, but you have to help us out." As he continues he takes Atsumu's phone from him, unlocking it via facial recognition, seeing as they were identical. He watches him scroll to the gallery and select a particular video. the moment it begins the play he can just hear Hinata's laughter. His whole mind disconnects. All he can think about is that.

_"Natsuuuu, tell mom we're going out for a bit!" Hinata called, his words slightly slurred but he was walking fine._   
_"You're gonna drive? Where are you going? I wanna go!"_   
_"Nah, sorry Orange jr. We're gonna be drinking some grownup drinks!" Atsumu chuckled, spinning the keys around on his index finger as he pulled his fiance out the door. They'd be back by at least 3 AM. Atsumu always enjoyed visiting Hinata's mom and sister in Miyagi. It was rather relaxing even, to be in his fiance's hometown. Shouyo was nineteen and he was 20. They were madly in love and being happy and stupid._   
_The country roads were almost completely empty at this time of night, they've gone on joy rides plenty of times before. Before they hadn't done anything illegal._   
_"Geeez, Atsu, you're going so fast!" Hinata complained, leaning his head back against the seat, slumped down in the seat, looking paler than usual. Atsumu poked his cheek with one hand, keeping the other hand on the wheel. "Aww, a lightweight, are we?" He teases, in love with the pink tint on Hinata's face as he rolls his eyes._   
_Hinata clicks off his seatbelt and leans over, pressing a kiss to the blonde's cheek._   
_"Hinata, move back," Atsumu lightly pushed him in the chest with his elbow as the alcohol on his breath reached his nose._   
_"Fine, I think I'm gonna throw up. I wanna see what the city looks like from here," the redhead climbs into the backseat, reaching back to the front and clicking a button, opening up the sunroof. He grabs his phone and stands up on the back seat. Atsumu is too busy trying to drive properly that he doesn't even notice until he so happens to glance back._   
_"Atsu, it feels great up here, haha! Everything looks so cool from up here!" Shouyo is standing up with his top half out the sunroof, his phone in his hands and giggling happily._   
_Atsumu's eyes widened slightly "Wh- Jesus Christ, sit down! Sit the fuck down!" He shouted, letting one hand off the wheel, reaching back trying to grab at Hinata's clothes. When the lights start to blind them, Atsumu turns back, panic filling his body as he spun the wheel way too aggressively to avoid the oncoming car. Hinata's phone drops into the seat when the drastic turn occurs. He doesn't even know what he hit, but it brings them to a stop, jerking him forward. The tension of the seatbelt winds him and he hits his head harshly on the headrest. He hears Hinata's chest hit the edge of the sunroof before he hits his head upon falling back down into the car._   
_His ears are ringing and it feels like all his senses were stripped away from him momentarily until he remembered he wasn't the only one in the car. He fumbles to undo his seatbelt and crawl into the back seat, pushing Hinata's bangs away from his face. He was bleeding from the back of his head, he could tell by the dark liquid that gave off a slight shine when the moon hit it. Hinata looked dazed, his chest barely rising and falling._   
_He'd gone into shock after that. Atsumu could vividly remember the bruising on Hinata's arms from the IV tubes, the massive bruising on his chest. They told everyone that he could get lucky. He didn't. Instead, Atsumu was left alone with a cellphone and a ring that weren't his and a million photos of the one the objects belonged to. He took too much medication the day after, so distracted by the trauma he just went through the previous night. He couldn't remember the week after that, just a lot of empty apologies and a bunch of flowers that made him cry._   
_He ripped and burned photos, throwing picture frames and throwing up because the memories- the flashbacks and the good times made him sick to his stomach. He knew that seeing the pictures would remind him that he was gone._

" 'Tsumu? Hey hey, come on…" before his brother can even try to hug him, the blonde wrapped his arms around him, tears beginning to flow from his sorrowful brown eyes. "We were drunk, 'Samu! He drank more than me and didn't listen when I told him to sit down, I thought the road would be empty!" He cried, gripping tightly onto his twin's shirt. "I-I was excited and drunk, I-I didn't know! I didn't know I was drifting, I was going too fast, it happened so fast…!"  
 _I hear you in the quiet. I see you when I'm in the dark. You just couldn't fight for this, But it's not your fault._  
"It wasn't your fault that-" Osamu tried to comfort him but he interrupted.  
"How!?"  
"You weren't drifting, 'Tsumu, the other driver was! He wasn't paying attention."  
 _Your laughter haunts me, like a ringing in my ear. You left me long ago, you're still everywhere. I reach out for you, I'm desperate for your warmth. Can you tell me where we went wrong? At least tell me just to move on._  
Atsumu's breath was still heavy but stabilized eventually. "He's dead, Osamu…"  
"Yeah...Yeah, he is…"  
 _It's time to let it go, you left me all alone, I wanna feel your heartbeat but it doesn't beat for me no more, no. It's time to let it go, you left me all alone. It's holdin' me down, it's burnin' me out. I'm beggin' for sound but I can't bring you back now._  
"Hey, 'Samu, can you call Kita?" He asks, sniffling. He looks around and sees Hinata- Natsu Hinata, standing a few feet away. He gestured for her to come over and she gladly did so, hugging him tightly with a familiar orange and black uniform clutched in her hand.  
The phone barely rings for two seconds.  
 _"Hello?"_  
"Hi, Senpai," Atsumu says. There's a stunned silence from the other side. Then he hears sniffling. That's none of them.  
 _"I'm sorry I just wasn't expecting to hear you. Holy hell, you're holding up okay, right?"_  
They can all hear Aran in the background make a quiet joke about Kita being a proud mother. Samu chuckles. So does Atsumu.  
 _Say what you mean out loud. Drowning in silence when I'm lost in the crowd, 'cause every sweet thing you'd never speak. It's deafening, never knowing what could be. Wish I could show you how-_  
"It's only been three weeks, Kita. The funeral was the worst. It still really hurts and not just the bruises from the seatbelt," he chuckles softly. "I'm doing okay, I'm just- it's just a lot...to handle. I'm holding up, but I…" he sighs heavily but can't help but smile faintly.

_But you're just a ghost now._

"I...heh, I really miss him, Kita. I really do…"


End file.
